You are ok. As simple and general as that sounds, it was the message of my 2nd session with Ketamine. In case those reading this aren’t aware, I want to preface that each session you experience will be different and unique. Thinking back now, I’ve never really felt ok in my life. It’s what stems a lot of the anxiety I’ve battled for so long.
This, as mentioned above, is my 2nd experience with Ketamine, and I’d like to take you a bit more into it to understand maybe where the mind goes. I remember feeling a bit nervous still as I got ready to take my 2nd dose. I was laying in bed as I usually had done in the past and checked my vital before each session as recommended and just trying to think through the panic and anxiety of not knowing what I might be facing this time. I came up with a mantra that day that I still use to this day as I find myself getting anxious or even during my current sessions to help bring myself back to a calm place and not let the anxiety take over my thoughts. “You are loved, You are Peace, You are Calm.“
I placed the troche into my mouth and under my tongue and started my timer. This go around, I started my music as i waited for it to dissolve, my first time I had not done this and found the music helped me not overthink the feelings I get when the effects start to begin. I kissed my partner as always, told her I loved her, and again slipped my eye mask on and laid down.
What came next was unexpected. I have been setting my intentions as per my guide, but no matter how much I thought about what I wanted to explore, my mind took me elsewhere. This, come to find out, is precisely how Ketamine works. Your brain takes you to where it needs to go and addresses what needs to be addressed. Luckily, this session leaned toward the positive, and it felt good.
I found myself going back to when i was younger and replaying a lot of negative self talk and belittlement from those around me, mainly my parents and teachers and figures of influence in my life at the time. My father and brother, in particular, made it very clear that I was cut from the very same cloth as them, that we were only able to be successful to an extent, and that none of my family before me had amounted to anything, so I was more or less destined to also amount to nothing. I had never thought about this in my everyday life, but seeing it from an adult with a logical thinking mind during my session allowed me to see how crazy a thought process it was.
As I drifted more into the experience, it was as if I came across a version of myself, maybe a different me from a different point in my life, perhaps a different me that had never come to be. Who to say? This other me and I connected and began discussing how “he” has always been here inside and has done his best to help me see our potential, but “I” always fought it and denied myself being happy, successful, proud, and loved. “He” told me that its ok to be proud of myself, its ok to be successful and most importantly, its ok to love who I am, it isn’t a shame or burden that I have to carry around with me forever. We both agreed that whatever “we” put our minds to, we could be as great as we wanted to be without question.
Never in my life, as far back as I can recall, have I ever been proud of myself, and in this moment, I felt the most accepted and loved that I have ever felt internally. This is not to say that I haven’t felt love from others before, but I’ve never truly loved myself, partly because I was never told I was allowed to, as crazy as that sounds. When I was a child and even into young adulthood, no one ever told me that I could love who I was or that it was ok that I was the way I was. It was always what I needed to work on or how I needed NOT to act.
So this other me and I spent the next hour or so reflecting on this life we have lived so far and tackling the negative instances of self-doubt, disappointment, and doubt instilled in us from a young age. I remember at one point, all i heard was that I was loved, that the other “me” was proud of who we were, and was always going to be here for me. It kept reminding me that “he” had always been there and that “he” was happy we could finally connect.
As my session ended and I returned to my reality, all I could feel was love and acceptance for who I was. I found myself crying in the dark, but not from sadness, more from a feeling of not having to hate myself every minute of every day as I have been for as long as I can remember. It was a weight lifted off of me, and having this “permission” to be myself, who I genuinely am, was a feeling I have never had.
I took a moment to get myself together and started to write in my journal to document my experiences; while I’m on the topic, journaling is something I strongly suggest for anyone doing this. It allows you to go back and see the progress you have made from the start and remind yourself of the progress and/or things that may need to be readdressed in future sessions.
I’d like to, as previously done, share some journal entries from what I wrote shortly after my 2nd session:
“I am allowed to be successful. I am proud of myself.”
“I connected with my inner self for a while, and he showed me that he is proud of me and will always be there for me.”
“I love myself.”
As I wrote my journal entry and laid back to reflect on what I’ve been experiencing, I started to see a common theme with this healing journey. That’s finding the love within yourself, as that is where it has to begin to grow before you can come close to allowing yourself to love others around you or to forgive those who have hurt you or put you into situations in your life that have impacted you negatively. Finding and fostering the love inside of you, the love for oneself is where this healing has to start.
Nothing can grow from scorched earth; we have to heal that which has been damaged and give it a healthy plot of “land” for it to thrive. From this, I feel the reach outward into your everyday life will also begin to project that love and find those around you that give off this same energy.
